I was driving last night. As I crossed the viaduct, a bunny popped out of no where. I braked, but I heard the thump. My kindred soul couldn’t drive away without knowing, so I turned around to check.
This was the worst decision I could have made. The bunny was still alive and struggling to get off of the road. His death was imminent. My stomach churns as I write this. This one incident has wrecked my entire week and, unfortunately, has wrecked his entire life.
Now, coming from someone who feels like she has deep ties in the Pagan world, I associate bunnies with my own fertility and I have a great admiration for the goddess, Eostre. Yesterday was April 28th, which means we are right in the midst of the Earth’s Annual period of Rebirth. In my mind, having a bunny die by my fault in this particular period, is a bad omen.
Perhaps, I am overly worried and thinking about it entirely too much; but I can assure you, there is a good reason behind my overly cautious demeanor. I’ll tell you.
In the past 5 months, we have lost two, super precious, super loved babies. Our first one passed away from Bradycardia caused by a subchorionic hematoma. Our second, with a strong heartbeat, was lost to another subchorionic hematoma. Our latest lost was just a short 5 weeks ago.
When I drove back to check on the bunny, he was struggling, and I imagined that my babies and him had the same experience when they were facing their demise. I imagined, as my babies started losing oxygen and blood flow from the bleed, they would have been struggling to get as close to their placenta as they could to draw from it the necessities they needed to sustain life. In the bunny’s case, it was the edge of the road he must get to to sustain life. If only he could reach the hedge that had fed him merely hours before…
So, my anxiety sets in. I worry about the Karma of the world. Yes, a Buddhist theory, but not too far from Wiccan practices or Pagan beliefs. Does this mean my womb will never bring life to a beautiful, miniature, human again? What can I do to right the wrongness of my ways? Is there something I can give back? Is there balance to be had; the Ying and Yang of things?
Then I found some peace within myself. How else could I apologize to Mother Earth when I took a piece of her? It came to me in that instance; I could give a piece of me to Her. So tomorrow, we will be planting a tree, and underneath that tree will go the last baby we lost. This tree will represent the lives that we love, the lives that we’ve lost, and it will honor the Earth’s Annual Period of Rebirth.
Our fertility is represented by the bunny, and the love within rebirth is held in the hands of the goddess Eostre. I can only hope that She accepts my gift and feels my remorse within the love I am giving Her back. I know, that Her and I think alike, because we are one, and we share a deep love for the precious souls that have left the season of Rebirth far before their time.